insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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