pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
