I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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