Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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