I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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