Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
