Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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