HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
