Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
