Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
