Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize