Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
