I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
