the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
