the condom got lost in my hair
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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