The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
