Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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