meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
