my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the day after is always just damage control
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize