the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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