Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
