Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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