Ambien. No doubt about it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your cock deserves a montage
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
