Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
