whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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