i can't believe i had my finger in that
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
