Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
