so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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