Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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