The maid of honor just puked.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
