I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
