I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
false alarm. still invincible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
