Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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