I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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