My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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