I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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