shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize