I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
