We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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