I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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