I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
