I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize