I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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