I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
