So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
