Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
