i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
