So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
