John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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