My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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