Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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