Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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