your thong is hanging out like whoa
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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