That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
