you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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