So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
