He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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