Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
