and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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