do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Couch. On fire.
He has the fingertips of a God
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