my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
