I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
