so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
