Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
