If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
