well I can't set my house on fire every night
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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