Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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