Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
