sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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