why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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